In the road of darkness
I depend and trust in your vision for me..
In the road of darkness
I depend and trust in your vision for me..
I pray for Prof Tham that you will keep her strong during this period of difficulty. To lose a love one isn’t something that many can handle, what more something very sudden.
I pray that you will continue to hold her during this period and that she knows that her husband is in a better place.
Though there are memories that they hold, I pray that they will continue to hold on to those memories till the day they meet again in your kingdom.
May you continue to send your angels to protect and and help her and that you will hold her close to you.
In Jesus name, Amen.
Would i need to wait a thousand years?
Time has gone by but yet i’m still as stuck as i was 7 months ago..
And I thought I had a good rest when I came back from my trip.. Feeling totally recharged..
But by the end of the week that I came back.. I knew that I was drained..
The moment I started school.. Another level took me away..
With dance added into all of these.. I know there is not much of me left in this body of mind..
The amount of rest is no longer there.. This race still has another 3-4 months to go.. And I’m not too sure once again whether I will be able to last that long already..
Maybe I should have pulled the trigger on myself some time back.. And not continue to put myself through all these..
The amount of pressure I have is really coming down from all the different directions. I have to split myself up and concentrate and to be able to adjust, adapt and change. So much so that I’m mentally drained as physically gone.
Someone said that maybe I might have pulled a hamstring.. But yet I’m still pushing myself to the max and just waiting for my next Doctor’s appointment..
So many things but yet so lost.. I still feel like I’m at the crossroads to many of the issues on hand.. Just no sense of direction..
1. To continue or not
2. To leave or not
3. To say or not
Though lost.. But maybe yet I know the answer if I truly search..
I feel the need to do something meaningful.. But what exactly.. I don’t know..
Maybe at the end of the day.. It’s because I never left those things I was suppose to leave behind..
My mum’s birthday wish for me.. Is to just stay healthy.. Nothing else.. Maybe she knows I don’t have much longer left too..
It has just been nearly 2 weeks since I came back and whatever rest that I managed to get while in Perth has since been used up.
I wonder what has really been draining my energy. I feel much more tired after these 2 weeks. I foresee worse to come over the next few weeks.
Dear God, please give me the strength to carry on, for you know what I’m going through and will be in time to come. Amen.
Mixed feelings from all around..
I still find it hard to find myself..
In the midst of all these..
Memories were brought back from the past..
From 5 years ago to recently..
I’m starting to wonder what has been going on..
Besides the fact that time has gone by very quickly..
U ever so subtly left ur number behind..
After attending yesterday’s salsa styling class, I was brought to my attention about many skills and techniques that i have often overlooked and never noticed.. Thanks to Phei Ling, i’m able to see my flaws better and to know where to improve.
To constantly keep both feet together when spinning and putting the weight on the correct leg and where the arms are suppose to be to prepare for the turn.
To be able to come out of the turn and not being able to fall out.
To be able to spot myself / object in the mirror.. But before i do that.. i need to get it into my muscle memory to do spotting exercise so that i can spot better.
To always be on the balls of my feet and not landing the heel down as a lazy way of resting.
To keep my posture straight while doing figure-8 movement and not let the elbows move in every direction..
I guess all these are on top of what i originally set for myself. Hopefully i can achieve these goals within the next 2 months. =S
While everyone posts their comments on a privatized group.. i decided to not comment on my post there because there are things which i guess might just throw the group into awkward situations. So to my handful of dear friends who read this.. Enjoy if it helps.
It talks about how we do not know much about something and how we never dared to take a step to go forth and try. After trying, it can bring you something else like relaxation and fun. Of course, if you sign up for something, there needs to be commitment.
To answer the question on ‘Why I dance?’
I never thought I was able to dance. Ever since young, i was never exposed to this skill or activity called Dance. It was something which i watched and never knew how these people actually managed to have the flexibility to do splits, kicks, etc. Dance to me was only Ballet. Nothing else. I knew there were emotions expressed and how they interpret on the dance with the music, where both the music and body moves as one.
As time went by, there were new dances introduced like hip hop. But it was something which i felt that i could not carry off. Till today, i still don’t think i have the attitude to do a hip hop dance. I guess the main reason is because i was not daring enough to take the step to try something that i was not comfortable. I felt that my only skill is playing musical instruments and singing. And i was unable to do anything more.
One fine day, I met someone who dances salsa. And he asked me to join. I kept rejecting because i felt that I really do not have the ability to do salsa dancing. It’s something i never heard before. I felt like i did not have the dance skills. I went online to research on salsa dances and it made me feel like it was something too complicated and to me, something that i wasn’t able to achieve.
But after much persuasion, i was brought to the salsa dance club at Amara Hotel where they do social dancing. It was there where i learnt my first few salsa dance steps. Moving back and forth, doing a right turn. I did not dare to dance with anyone except my friend. Until this caucasian approached me to dance. He did many different techniques which i was totally lost and i really didn’t know what to do. But it was through these experiences, did i feel like Salsa was something that i wanted to try.
After signing up for class, i was starting to regret. I’m not too sure whether i was able to achieve. Whether i would be able to ‘perform’ up to my friend’s expectations of me. I go to class every friday learning something new and class felt fun. New friends were made and i progressed from 1 level to another.
Going in to the dance studio on fridays became a norm. Something i got used to. It felt so weird that when I was on holiday and it overlapped a friday. I asked myself why was i on holiday instead of being at Salsa classes. I suddenly missed Salsa class and social dancing.
Social dancing helps to improve the skills. You do more than just simple right turns, left turns and cross body leads.. You start doing spins, be it single, double or triple. You meet more people and every week you dance with someone new or someone you met last week. They teach you things and help you continue to improve. I start to learn from mistakes. But once you know what you are doing and able to follow what the guy is leading, you start feeling much more relaxed. You start moving with the music and add in your own style (sometimes over which causes me to lose track of what the guy wants me to do..) But it’s when you move together with the music, feeling the accent, is where you really enjoy the dance that you are doing.
The next brave step i took was to sign up to perform in the annual studio recital for the salsa. This step led me into joining the Salsa Student team. I had no idea what i was sending myself into. But it definitely took a lot of energy from me. Burning weekends and weekdays at the dance studio, mounting up to 12 hours a week was really tiring me. But somehow or another, i had the drive to do it and it was something that i felt committed to do.
Though till today, after dancing for more than 6 months, i can still say that i’m not a pro salsa dancer. I am still unable to do some techniques well. I still fall out of my double turns and triple turns. I watch my video countless times seeing how i should improve. Though after watching the videos, it can get quite demoralizing. It’s with the team mates/friends/instructors support that i’m able to pull through today. The constant encouragement tells you that you shouldn’t give up on yourself.
To perform together as a team is very difficult. We are not in sync at times. Everyone turning and moving at different times and the different energy levels that we have. It makes it hard for all to look the same. But i’m am sure this is one of the goals that we are looking to achieve: To move together with the music, not individually, but as a team.
So many things happened from the time I contemplated on joining salsa till I joined the salsa student team. It brought me up and down in my life tremendously. But yet, during all this period, i continued to dance. People start to question me why? Am i doing it because of someone? This resulted in me asking myself why and whether their question was really relevant. But I can safely say that I really enjoy salsa dancing. My aim was to leave after doing the studio recital. However, there was these feeling to continue the journey to SISF.
There were many times where i went into class or for training (w/o someone in there) and totally forgot about the issues i have with work, school and relationships. All i did was concentrate on what i wanted to achieve from the class and training. Even at social dancing, all i wanted to do was to enjoy dancing with any partner that comes by just moving with the music. It is only at the end of everything did all the things that i forgot during dance start coming back.
Taking additional dance classes after my exams has really exposed me to so much more. Jazz classes with the turns, spotting, kicks, flexibility. It really pushes your limit to do things that you never knew you could do. Though sometimes you know what you are doing doesn’t look very nice, but i keep telling myself that i need to know the basics of it first before i can go to the next level.
While people say that dancing is much more relaxed compared to an exercise, i would really beg to differ. Each has it’s own difficulties. As dancers, we also go through injuries and pain. All i hope for is that all the injuries and pain won’t be there for long. Sometimes the pain doesn’t give you a very good feeling, but yet we continue to push ourselves. But we need to constantly keep a look out and checkups to assure that all is fine.
I have quite a few goals to set for myself. To those who have been dancing for awhile, may think that it’s something too easy for them and their goals are too easy. But i still have miles to improve. And by starting to be able to grasp the basic techniques, is what i want to achieve for myself.
1. To do spotting (This is to help to orientate yourself and not let you get too dizzy)
2. To be able to do a stable and clean triple spin and not fall out of it.
3. To improve my posture and not slouch as the music continues
4. To be able to do nice styling with straight body lines
5. To increase flexibility and strengthening core muscles.
Somethings that i feel that as a team that we can achieve.
1. To leave no one behind and work together
2. To allow the body to move with the music not just individually but as a team
3. To bring everyone up to the same energy level and maintain that same level through out the whole performance.
I hope it is something that i can achieve and work some way through it. And lastly, to not give up half way.
To all those who are on this journey, let’s work hard together.
Losing myself and giving up hope at times..
Maybe I should plan my exit..
Standards raised are hard to be brought down. Unless there is a similarity or better.. I don’t think there will be a change.
But the moment i leave, don’t bother to find me..
time keeps ticking..
everyone else is still moving..
but i still seem to be stuck in a place that i cannot move forward..
though i look like i’m moving on the outside..
but i’m not on the inside..
every weekend is spent training..
it does take part of your mind off though you see him from the mirror..
and when i thought that after the recital that it will be over..
now there’s SISF in october which they would want to keep the team..
should i or should i not stay..
with or without the decision..
i still know that somehow inside there..
i will still be waiting..
I searched deep down in myself today..
and i realised that i still miss him a lot though i have occupied myself with so many things until i cannot manage them any more..
but here i am today..
still tearing over the fact that we had to leave..